Friends Really Are Forever

I've had the distinct pleasure of meeting up with a good friend from high school as well as a good friend from college on this trip.  I last saw my high school friend at our 30 year reunion, 6 years ago.  Prior to that reunion however, it had been at least 20 years since we had seen one another and those years were pre-Facebook so we hadn't been in touch at all.  But at the reunion we re-connected immediately, re-kindled our kindred spirits, and enjoyed a rich level of conversation that made the years vanish, leaving the friendship fresh and intact.  Facebook definitely helped us to keep in touch during throughout the past 6 years and on this trip, we were finally able to arrange to have lunch together. It was amazing how deep and easy the conversation was with topics ranging from faith to family, with a little politics thrown in!  I know our husbands would enjoy one another and we hope that we can get everyone introduced soon, perhaps next time, across the pond in Sweden!  Calene is anxious to visit the country of her heritage and I would be thrilled to welcome her and her husband to our life there.

Then, by chance, a college friend who I have not seen in at least 25 years was in the desert on business and we also were able to arrange a meet up!  Joan and I became friends our freshman year, as we lived on the same floor and found that we shared a love for life and silliness! Joan also ended up marrying one of my friends from California who I knew before Joan did!  Brad and I had become close friends during a week long high school church camp the summer before my senior year of high school.  Joan recalls seeing a photo of Brad in my room long before Brad was ever in proximity to Joan!  We met at a Mexican restaurant which was appropriate because Joan reminded me that I was the one who first introduced her to Mexican cuisine!  When we met she didn't known the difference between a taco, burrito or enchilada!  Brad and Joan have lived in northern California for much of their 31 years of marriage and it was so wonderful to see her again and hear about their life together, their kids, and their faith. Joan also lost her father last February and again, through the Facebook connection, we were able to walk with one another through our parental losses.  It was so good to talk about this season of life, how her mom and my dad are doing at this point and share the journey of our grief face to face.  

Friendships are our life blood and when you move around as much as I have in life, you have to keep making new friends.  But the older you get, it is also true that long-time friendships that share your history and resonate with your past are incredibly valuable.  Our pasts are such a central aspect of who we are in the present that to meet up with these wonderful friends and pick up the sentence mid-stream, even when decades have gone by, is indeed a rare gift and one that I savor and value.

Many thanks to Calene and Joan for making the effort to connect with me while I was in California! Here's to making it happen again and again...perhaps next time on the other side of the pond!

The Last Ritual

It's been almost exactly 10 months since my mom died and we knew that on this trip out to California we would find the time to scatter her ashes where she wanted them left.  The night before we were planning this outing I didn't sleep well and woke up quite melancholy. It definitely made her death very real to me all over again and the finality of the act was weighing heavily on my heart.  And I have never handled human ashes before so I just wasn't at all sure what this whole thing would be like.  But Doug, my dad, my cousin, Mike, (my mom's oldest brother's oldest son, who she was very close to), his wife Susan and I knew that this was something we needed to do and wanted to do. So at dusk on Wednesday, the 19th of February we headed out to her favorite golf hole, #12 at Mission Lakes to begin our journey.  
Mom loved this golf course and she always wanted her passing to be somehow marked on this spot. Mike and his brothers, Steve and Kelly, had donated a tree to be planted near the hole and we felt that we should start there. 

From there we headed up the hill to the women's tee.  We then proceeded to each take a tee shot in honor of mom.

I chose a pink golf ball,

pink being a major symbol of the fight against breast cancer and while mom's was ovarian, the symbol of fighting cancer was important to me.

Unfortunately I totally shanked it so had to hit another one!  It was a wonderful gesture of solidarity for us all and we all enjoyed hitting the ball into the now near dark landscape.  It was impossible to see where the balls went so we just left them.  It seemed a fitting tribute in the midst of our ceremony.
Finally, as the daylight faded, we gathered in a circle and each one shared a loving remark of something that is deeply imprinted on their heart regarding who my mom was in their life.  A sense of humor, feeling truly and deeply loved by mom, being made to feel like you were the most special person on earth were sentiments that were deeply expressed through veils of tears.  As we stood on that hillside in the dim light, the sprinklers came on! We didn't mind. Our faces were already wet with tears. Doug shared some beautiful words taken from our tradition when we have a committal or an interment that expresses from God we have come, to God we will go and gave assurances that mom was now rejoicing in her heavenly home, no longer trapped by her earthly body, which was now the ash that we each carried in a small bag in preparation for the sprinkling that would soon ensue.  I then prayed knowing that mom would've wanted that.  It was a sacred and holy moment, laced with tears and emotions but also joy and peace.
From that spot we moved onto the place where she wanted her ashes left.  We each took our time
meandering through the desert landscape, each scattering her ashes as we wandered. It was not as awkward as I had expected, handling the ash.  It was actually a bit cathartic and made me feel at peace that we had honored her wishes and we will always know that her spirit and presence remains in this place where all of us gathered have a special connection.  We re-gathered at the newly planted tree where I emptied my bag of ash at its foot and saved a little more for the tree that is planted in our backyard...

a gift from my book club that they presented to me last spring and which we planted on this trip as well.
Trees give life and beauty, shade and rest, fruit and fragrance: all qualities that reflect my mother's character as well.
It was hard but beautiful.  A fitting end to this difficult journey.  A true blessing to honor her wishes.
We ended the evening with margaritas and the best Mexican food in town!  We shared stories and remembered my mother with such joy and affection.  I miss her, but I'm happy to know that reminders remain here in the desert, through the Mexican palm tree in our backyard and the beautiful tree sitting by the #12 green, and of course through her ashes now spread across this mesmerizing and beautiful desert landscape that we all love so very much.
Peace to your memory mom.  How we loved you and how we miss you.
You have given us much joy and our memories will continue to do so as well.   Amen.

Cultural Contrasts

Ok, I know, I know, whenever I come back to the US, I always put up a blog about the differences I notice, but what can I say...I'm a born and bred American who has lived in Europe for the past 15 years.  I notice stuff!
This time around, there have been some obvious things that have left me a little gobsmacked.  I was in the grocery today and was overwhelmed in the produce section!  Now of course, it's California in the dead of winter so even coming from the midwest would certainly create a bit of culture shock. But the fresh produce was so beautiful. The many varieties of lettuce looked freshly picked from a local garden and a huge bunch of cilantro was a mere 59 cents!  The green serrano chili I bought for my guacamole was much hotter than the red ones I buy in Sweden.  California tomatoes remain the overall disappointment as they hot house all of them and bleed out all of the great flavor.  I'll stick with the tomatoes from Holland we get in Sweden!
I also do not have to buy avocados, grapefruit or lemons.  A friend of my dad's gave him a case of beautiful, huge avocados so I've been eating one a day and have started making guacamole!  We get freshly picked grapefruit from my dad's gorgeous tree and the lemons are free from the beautiful tree in our back yard.  Free citrus fruit!  So awesome.
Television remains annoying and great.  Great because there are a zillion things to watch on TV or online. Annoying because the commercials and repetitions are incessant.  I hate the tape delayed manner in which they cover the Olympics.  Some of the public interest stories are nice, but the overwhelming focus on the American athletes means we miss many other great stories.  Fortunately I can live stream throughout the day so caught the epic finish of the women's cross-country ski race between the Swede and the Norwegian.
One of the most staggering encounters has been with a Cadillac commercial.  View it here.  Basically, the commercial pokes fun at Europe's tradition of taking an entire month off during the summer and promotes consumerism in its most indulgent form.  It's a bad commercial in my mind. Perhaps it's because I'm in the midst of my month off (we take it in Feb. instead of most Swedes who take it in July) and wouldn't trade this privilege and joy for any possession in the world.  One of the reasons we continue to live in Europe is related to the work/life balance that Europe values.  I just don't want to work 50 weeks of the year anymore.  No amount of stuff could entice me to value making more money over less time off anymore.  This is likely the greatest difference between America and Europe.  I'm not trying to make a political statement about which is better or worse...but I think work as a means to an end is ultimately less satisfying than
long vacations that allow you to fully recharge so you are motivated and excited to be at work when you are working.
America and Sweden...the two countries where I hold citizenship.  I guess I just feel really, really lucky to be able to blend the best of both worlds, critique the worst and enjoy the benefits and privileges that these two worlds bring to me.

My Crazy Golf Game

One day after we arrived in Palm Springs we were on the tee at 12.30.  I enjoy playing golf.  I am not very good.  When people ask us if we are golfers I say, "Doug is a golfer and I play golf."  The difference being about 25 points on the handicap!  Even so, I dream that one day, when I have enough time and space to play a lot, I will be good.  I have moments of brilliance in the midst of many, many terrible shots and fortunately, in golf, it's one sweet shot that will bring you back for another 18 holes the next day.
Of course, it's always sweet to be playing golf in shorts in February so in many ways the score isn't really that important!  Even so, I'd like to get to a place where breaking 100 strokes is a more consistent reality.  I've broken 100 a couple of times and I even had an 89 once!  So you see...I really believe that the ability is buried in the depths of my athleticism, yearning to find its way out!
So here are some highlights of yesterday's round, amusing as they may be.
I managed to hit a decent tee shot off of one, pretty good since there is a lot of rust in the bod.

This is the gorgeous view of Mt. San Jacinto from the first tee.

Sadly, I was in this lake on 2.

The rest of the front nine was pretty uneventful with the usual fits and starts.  On 9 however, which is a long, uphill par 5, I hit the best tee shot I've ever hit on that hole, straight and a good distance. Usually I am buried in a group of trees to the right and let me tell you, that makes the hole a lot harder. On the second shot, an even more remarkable event took place.  I hit my second shot as well as the first!  Now I need a short iron to get on the green.  Short irons and me...we don't often see eye to eye so even though I was now less than 100 yards from the green, the potential for me to take another 3 strokes getting on the green is ever present.  Magically, I hit another good shot!  Now I'm putting for birdie on 9!  Exciting times.  I ended up parring the hole, which I'm really not sure I've ever done before.  It was a good way to end the front 9.
The back nine is a special place.  You may recall this blog that I wrote just after my mom died.  I was excited to see how these holes would unfold.  10 is also a long par 5 requiring accuracy and distance to get to the green.  I played the hole well, having a chance for par if I sank a super long putt.  I settled for bogey which is just fine with me.  11 is the signature hole of Mission Lakes.  You climb a steep hill and then play across the mountain ridge, high above the complex.  It's a great hole, super hard, and very easy to lose golf balls along the way!  Things were backed up when we arrived so we had to wait to tee off.  I gazed out over the valley, thinking about my mom, missing her.  
I played the hole with my usual silliness.  Good shot, bad shot, good shot, bad shot.  I didn't lose any balls however and during the times we had to wait, I managed to find 8 balls in the nearby desert!
Finally we arrived at 12, my mom's favorite hole, the spot where my cousins have now planted a memorial tree in her honor, the hole she just loved to play and truth be told, my favorite as well.  It's a beautiful par three where the tee sits high above the green.  Because of wind, club choice can vary from day to day.  One day you can use 5 iron and other days you need driver.  The wind was being weird and I really couldn't tell if it was behind me, in my face, or just blowing straight sideways.  I was indecisive in my club choice so I went with 3 wood which I knew would be far too much if the wind was up.  I gave it a big whack, pulled it like there was no tomorrow and watched it head for the houses across the street!  I was waiting to hear glass break when I heard the ball hit the street.  I knew it bounced somewhere, but had no idea where that ball ended up!
It didn't take long to discover where the ball ended up!  As we approached the tee on 13, I saw a ball on the ground.  Sure enough, it was my ball!  That ball had hit the street and bounced high enough to sail over the houses that line the 13th hole and land next to the tee!  It was hilarious and perhaps my worst/greatest shot ever!  The only thing that would've made it even more epic is if it had landed on the actual tee!
The only other memorable moment on the back nine came when I birdied 15, a tricky par 3 where I don't often hit the green at all!  I landed my tee shot about 2 feet from the pin and knocked it in for a 2. Since this rarely happens, I had to do a little happy dance and sing a song about it.  Doug was just shaking his head! I chanted, "Tweet, Tweet, I got a birdie!  If I tweeted I could tweet that I got a birdie!" Silly and fun.
By the time we hit 18, the wind was up and the temperature was dropping.  We were happy that we only had one more hole to play.  We were freezing and our rusty bodies were crying out from the swinging and the picking up of the ball out of the cup. I know, very sad when you get aches and pains from playing golf in a cart.  I hit a great tee shot and was actually putting for par again.  But alas, a 3 putt finish landed me a double bogey.
I ended the day with a dip in the piping hot jacuzzi and man did that feel great.  
I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of shenanigans we can get ourselves into this afternoon.

The NFL's Sherman Interview

Because we live in Europe, I often don't watch US sports until the next morning.  This was the case of the Seattle-San Francisco football match-up last Sunday.  In order to preserve the fun of watching it live, we stay off the internet, avoiding all social media because we know that fans like to tweet their every thought.  I'm much the same way!  The end of the game was epic.  I thought the Niners were going to pull it out but then Sherman got in the way of Crabtree making a catch.  It was an awesome play.  So when the game ended and I was able to see the jaw-dropping interview that Richard Sherman gave while talking to Erin Andrews, I had no other media influence in my brain.  My initial reaction was that he acted like a jerk in saying he was the best cornerback in the game while calling Crabtree a sorry receiver.  So I jumped on Facebook and wrote, "Nice game Seattle but Sherman was a real jerk at the end. Hate it when the pros act like such idiots. (Which unfortunately is more often than not.)"  And then I got started with my day.  Little did I know that the entire social media world had been blowing up with posts about this fateful interview.  Then a really interesting thing happened.  Seattle fans began to posting articles that lifted up Sherman's character and some comments on my Facebook post seemed to come to his defense.  There's a lot of commentary about this interview and lots of name calling.  One of the articles I read lifted up his character and his brains and all of the good stuff he's done in life. And in another interview that he has given, he seeks to give a bit more context to the Andrews interview.  
There were several things that have interested me about this situation.  First, I never said that Sherman IS a jerk.  I said he acted like a jerk, which I still feel he did. I thought it was jerky of him to make the choke sign and to keep referring to Crabtree as a second rate receiver.  Even in his explanatory interview he referred to Crabtree as a subpar player.  In fact, he said this,"If you put a subpar player across from a great one..."  Now, I don't care how much character or difficulty Sherman has had to overcome in his life.  No matter what school he went to and how smart he is, these comments are arrogant and taunting.  It's not nice and does not reflect well on his public persona.  Another defense of Sherman came in the form of, "well everyone does it."  OK, what are we, 13 years old?  C'mon.  The pros need to lead by example and mostly what I see are cocky, arrogant examples.  It's distasteful to the average fan. Other comments have been focused on how silly the post-game interview is.  True or not, it's part of the game and all the players know it. So just learn how to do it with grace.  
Now, what I find equally appalling is that people have expressed their opinion of Sherman in racist and bullying ways, attacking his character and his personhood.  But it does go to show the power of a few minutes of ranting in the public sphere.
Look, I am a competitive, intense, demonstrative person.  And if you've ever met my father, you understand well where it all comes from!  I've had my share of incidents while playing and coaching and even in life.  I've been mired in conflicts and outbursts that have cost me dearly in terms of what people think of me.  And I rarely if ever feel good about it when it's over because it's also not the whole story of me.  But it's a story that lingers and so we need to think about that when we're put in the unfortunate or fortunate position of being in front of a crowd who care about what you think.  
The interview definitely does not tell the whole story about Sherman but for those of us who don't know much about him, it just left a bad taste in our mouth.  And again, I stated that he acted like a jerk, not that he is a jerk.  And again, I think the racial slurs and other references to his inherent character are really wrong. But I find it equally interesting that Seahawk fans are finding ways to make excuses for his comments...like he is the best, so what's wrong with him saying so, or he came out difficult circumstances and overcame a lot of stuff to get where he is so he has the right to be loud and arrogant.  He doesn't need to be humble because his game proves how great he is.  One reporter even stated that as a nation we're not ready for lower class Americans from Compton to succeed.  I think that is quite the overreach. So for lower class Americans from Compton, the sign of success is that you can be arrogant and rude on public television?  I'm just not sure where that reporter is headed.  I do not judge Sherman's entire character on this interview.  He is obviously an amazing cornerback.  And he's obviously got a big personality.  But there are better ways to endear yourself to the public than by berating other players while singing your own praises.  I'll watch the Super Bowl with interest and hope to get to see some of Sherman's amazing talent in action again. And while I think I'm cheering for Denver on Sunday, (with teams that I don't really care about, I won't know until my gut tells me once the game starts) I would be very happy for Seattle to win because I like a good underdog.  What I don't care for much are arrogant pros who mouth off and strut around the field like gods and throw the choke sign at other players, no matter what circumstances they've come out of to get there.  Just let your game speak for you.  Sherman...if you'd had given a less obnoxious interview, the talk about you this week would've been all about your awesome game. Instead, you just gave us a whole bunch of silliness to focus on.
In the midst of all the Sherman ranting and raving, I also read an article about Peyton Manning, quarterback for the team Sherman's team will play in the Super Bowl.  At the end of this article Manning said this, "Dad said it best when he said it takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it."  Perhaps this truth was never more demonstrated than in the 3 minute post-game interview that Sherman gave.

Waste Not, Want Not

I have become a much more frugal person while living in Sweden, in part because some of the products that I really enjoy, I am unable to get here.  So, in order to extend the life of these products, I take better care of them than when I lived in the US and could easily purchase the product.  This has taught me a lot about waste.  Manufacturers want you to waste a lot of product because then you will buy their product more often.  But I have been challenged to create less waste and to value resources with greater care simply because I have been forced to.

Here are three products that you should definitely be getting every last use from.

Ziploc bags: You should be washing and re-using ziplocs over and over again.  Long gone are the days for me when a ziploc bag gets one use.  Exceptions include raw meat bags...if you don't feel you can get the bag clean enough, then it's OK to toss it.  But with anything you store that is dry...nuts, crackers, bread, tortillas, etc., that bag should be used over and over again.  It just takes a little bit of time to turn it inside out, give it a scrub with some soapy warm water and let it dry.

Jif Crunchy Peanut Butter: Invest in a small spatula in order to get every last morsel of goodness out of the peanut butter jar (or any jarred product.) The inside of the jar is bald when I'm finished with it.  Peanut butter is heavy to carry across the ocean so I don't like doing it often.  Extend the life of this snack by scraping every last taste from the jar!

Crest toothpaste and the entire store from Bath and Body works: OK, lots of beauty products come in tubes and tubes are notorious for leaving loads of product behind.  A simple solution will extend the life of each product by at least a week.  Simply cut off the ends of the tube in order to access all that goodness that gets stuck inside.  You will be amazed by how much product is left in the lid of the tubes.   There is at least 3 days worth of body lotion in that lid and at least 2 in the tube.  Same with toothpaste.  Just take a minute to cut the ends off and you will quit throwing away days worth of product.

With pump soaps...when you are nearing the bottom of the container, remove the lid and put a small amount of water in it.  Shake.  This will ensure that the pump will continue to pull up the liquid  The soap is usually heavily concentrated so diluting it a bit won't hurt at all.  The thinner liquid is easier to pull up through the pump.

I have become a better consumer here in Sweden where certain things are not available and other things are ghastly expensive.  You've paid for the entire product.  Why not ensure that you use it all up?

Our Wonderful Friend Bali

Bali was a special person at Immanuel Church.  He was born in Malaysia but came to Sweden many years ago to play professional football (soccer).  At some point in his life he suffered some difficulties and had a nervous breakdown that led to some mental limitations.  But he loved Immanuel Church and Immanuel Church loved him.  He was such a character.  He had a big, bold laugh and he was a kind and generous soul.  He was always giving people gifts, sending post cards, asking about how people were doing.  He wanted to shake everyone's hand on Sunday and he truly embodied the reality of God's love for all of his children.  He would come to our Bible study and sometimes he'd contribute with something relevant, but most often he would be off on another topic!  My favorite line of his from our Bible studies was when Doug was asking people to identify with Abraham and Sarah, how they must have felt as foreigners in a strange land.  He asked the group to share feelings about when they first moved to Sweden.  Bali pipes up, "When I first came to Sweden, I thought the women were the most beautiful women in the world!"  How we have laughed about that.
Bali was a great servant as well.  He washed dishes almost every Sunday after our coffee time.  And even though he could've just come to our outreach lunches each month and enjoyed the meal, he came and served instead.
On Tuesdays he was Jewish because he could go to the synagogue and get free coffee.  Lots of people around town knew Bali because when we was still doing pretty well he would wander around town all day, stopping in and out of the places where people were nice to him.  Every once in awhile he'd bring a friend a little nuttier than even he to the church.  The two of them were quite a pair.
He did know more about global football than any other person I've ever met.  He was my go to guy for information during the World or Euro Cup.  He loved football and knew the game well.  He also demonstrated his amazing athletic ability until late in life.  We'd get together to play badminton and while he couldn't run or move quickly, his hand eye coordination was still excellent.  He loved participating in whatever it was we were doing on any given day in the church.  If the doors were open, he loved being there.
He loved calling us on the phone and did so several times a day and for awhile, the night as well!  We finally got him to understand that he could only call people between 9.00 a.m. and 9.00 p.m.  From then on, at about 8.45 p.m. every day, we'd get a call from him!  Even though at times it drove me crazy, when the calls stopped due his increasing decline, I missed hearing from him.
A little over a year ago Bali's health, both mental and physical, began to decline and a decision was made to move him to a home where he could get good care.  The downside was that it was 3 hours from Stockholm so he could no longer come to church and people from church could no longer visit him easily.  This was a huge loss for both him and us.  We spoke with him on the phone periodically but reaching him was harder.  And he was declining more and more so his contact with reality was getting more and more sketchy.
Yesterday we learned that he died.  It was hard news to receive even though we knew it was a phone call we would inevitably get one day.  He died in his room and we are unsure of the circumstances.  His heart had been failing him so it was likely a heart attack.  We are all hopeful that he went peacefully.  He's at a better place now but we will miss his presence on earth.
Every church should have someone like Bali in the congregation.  The Balis of this world remind you of the core of the gospel, keep you grounded in reality, bring you back to the basic values of God's love for all of God's children.  There were times when his incessant coughing during our sermons drove us mad and days when our patience with him would grow thin.  But then he'd smile his big grin, roar with his big belly laugh, and come up with a comment that would put a smile on your face for the rest of the day.
Our good friend Bali has left this earth and has now joined the saints in heaven above.  Their gain is our loss but what a gem of a person he was.  I'm very thankful that he was part of our lives for the whole of our ministry at Immanuel.  Peace to his memory.  There are many classic, wonderful ones to ponder.